Can anyone blame me for for feeling so down all the time lately? Honestly, try being in my circumstances.
I get an average of 4/5 texts from Leon a day. I miss his voice so much. I thought I could be like all normal and strong and whatever about this army thing, because it's just 5 days then I get to see him for 2 days, but I'm really not okay. Maybe I'm overreacting but Ive been crying a lot and his outfield is coming up on the 8th which I'm just so fucking worried about. Selfishly enough, Im more worried about how I'll cope than him. I don't think anyone can understand what I'm feeling everyday, not even Leon himself in army. This constant waiting and yearning is driving me nuts.
I can't take it. I don't wanna wait anymore. I don't wanna cry anymore. I don't want to be alone anymore.
Worst of all, I'm going through this alone.. God seems to be pulling away and I think I know why, but I already prayed for forgiveness so many times, what is it? That I'm not sincere enough? That God can't even bring Himself to believe me after all the times I lied? Whatever it is, I can't stand anything anymore. This term sucks. As if I'm not alr facing enough with regards to academic workload? Now I've to have all these clashing dates with Leon's block leave and my practice dates for jazz bands upcoming concert, and yet another presentation due next week again? Why is everything just piling up? I'm just falling through the cracks and I don't know if there's anyone around for me to hold on to for support. It's so hard on me, physically, mentally and emotionally. My own spiritual life is so dry and I'm just constantly stuck in this depressive state. Nobody can even see how hard everything is on me. I'm not even feeling well physically, I'm sick and haven't been able to run the past week, my sore throat is turning into a cough and the viral fever is on/off. My period cramps have started and my period isn't even due till Monday. I'm complaining so much that I'm crying now.
Life sucks at the moment. And I can't work to save up because I'm only free on the weekends when I need to meet Leon. So idk why, I should just work on Saturdays cause he doesn't even fucking book out till the afternoon, and doesn't even meet me till the fucking evening anyway. I'm trying so hard not to swear but it's so hard when I'm so so filled with frustration, I just want to cry everything out.
I'm at my breaking point. Leon doesn't even know how I feel.
Nobody knows and I think I'll just always be facing everything alone. There will never be anyone going through the tough shit with me. Maybe it's something I have to go through alone, I don't know.
Whatever it is, I'm feeling too fucked up to be true.
The only thing I want right now is to curl up in bed with Leon without any fucking pressure for sex. Just curled up without any worries in the world and just curled up together without me feeling inadequate and unneeded.
And maybe I want to be gently held caressed like something precious and fragile.
I never was good enough for anything or anyone, am certainly not now, and never will be.
You're the first and last thought everyday. I'm so glad that we managed to sort through our rough patch, just 2 months ago I wasn't sure we could last because everything felt so different, and I felt so unloved and unwanted. And I just felt so threatened by the cow, kept thinking you liked talking to it more than you liked talking to me. I'm so glad that's over now though because you know what they say, if you're the girl a boy cheated with, eventually you'll be the girl that boy cheats on. Although we didn't exactly cheat on your ex, still, we had some stuffs going on so I'm scared that you'll have "stuffs going on" w another girl behind my back eventually. Scary as hell to think about it. But well any form of cheating, even emotional cheating is a huge thing and I'll never be able to forgive you if you did that! Just thinking.
And I was really very happy when I finally met you after your 2 weeks confinement when you booked out. I'd never been away that long from you before!!! Even my UK trip was like.. 12 days? Idk! Yea and I'm so happy you got me my favourite flowers (: in a bouquet! Every girl loves being spoilt like that, and it was in my favourite colour <3 you sure know how to get to me! That night we spent together was pretty magical in so many ways. It really felt like we were seeing each other for the first time. So nerve-wrecking.
Stay handsome, lionboy! <3 you're always lovely to me and I hope you never betray my trust again in any way. You should never do that to anyone, much less to me. Praying that God will keep you safe throughout the next 2 years. Love you!
